As I lay me down to sleep tonight...

... I had stumbled upon the last conversation I ever had with Liz. And man was I pathetic. I was still really crushing on her hard even though I knew she had a boyfriend at the time, someone who was arguably much better for her than I was. Well, I did get back in touch with Danny at the time, I still have him on my FB friends if I ever wanted to talk to him again. But, I've been so upset at myself over what happened, even though, as hard as it is for me to admit, it wasn't my fault. Yes, I didn't help matters any by trying to help her, in fact my worst fear is that I enabled her in the worst way possible, but I can't let myself think that it would cause her to do this. All she did was apologize to me and she had started saying she was a dope fiend. I thought her whole thing was about disproving that negative stereotype about users. But I also remember clinging onto false hope that she would miraculously be alright in the end.

A number of things happened since then that I don't remember if I talked about or not. For one thing I tried to sneak out of the house and run away, even going so far as to hitchhike. I couldn't legally drive a car and I got a bit further than one of the bridges in Dubuque. I was pulled over by some cops though, and they asked me some questions. I legit didn't know that hitchhiking was illegal. What harm does that really do to anybody anyhow? I hoofed it a lot of the way though, so my leg was sore as Hell, and when I caved in and called my mom for a ride home she was upset. Not even yelling just trying to find the upside to the situation but you could hear it in her voice she was mad.

Some time passed, IDK how long but Danny finally did call me. This was in an earlier entry. I don't remember much of the conversation but I remember asking where he had last seen her, and I think he said that he dropped her off at home. I also talked to her mom Mary. I was afraid of the police getting involved because she had a criminal record and I was worried that instead of trying to help her they would try to incarcerate her. This is precisely the problem I have with drug use being a felony though, when these people can't even rely on the police for help, who do these people have to turn to? If people really have a problem with drug use, I've always felt like rehabilitation over incarceration was a better approach. Or was there a better way? In any case the war on drugs should end, and I'm going to cite the prohibition as a good reason why. If you try to control a substance, people will find a way to get it whether we like it or not, so why not allow them to get this legally rather than illegally? And I think Liz made a good point about there being no competition, so the ones who DO use pay more for it. Ending the drug war can solve a lot of the problems with drug use. Substance control is a stupid idea if you really think about it.

The government has a lot of other problems though, guess we should tackle it one step at a time. If we're not ready for Anarchy than maybe Minimalism is the next best thing (by which I mean few governing laws and they're only laws most people morally wouldn't break anyway), at least until people are smart and more well informed than they are now. Perhaps our whole culture has to change for that to happen.

Before I go to sleep what I found interesting was that Danny had the same name as a kid that used to live down the street from me. I used to live at 724 Oak Street in Geneva, but the place belongs to someone else now. This kid lived further up Simpson I think it was, it's been a while but the interaction between Oak St. and Simpson Ave was kinda weird. But the kid I remember from my childhood would always come to our house and he'd always ask for food, I remember that much. But apparently when I asked him if he was the same Danny, he said he wasn't, so I guess whoever that guy was is elsewhere. Where exactly, IDK. But just a lot of these negative thoughts I've been having were something I needed to air out. I just wish I knew more about what was going on because even some of the stuff I was saying at the time bothers me. I couldn't even imagine what misery she was going through that she'd think that ending her life would be the best day of her life. In a way I'm thankfully some of those people didn't end up on my shit list, but it's given me a lot to think about. All I can do is try to right what is wrong with society today. IDK if I'll be successful but I have to try.

The Importance of Privacy

One of the things that always bothered me was when my parents would come into my room unannounced. There's times when I've given them permission to come in but at times they would just come in uninvited. My dad was the worst about this too, in fact he'd always have a fit if I locked the door. Honestly I think that could lead to some mental health issues, I think I should do some research on it. I've been watching some psychology videos about different things but I really feel like doing this could help me understand some of my issues, especially when it comes to trust or with me being extremely territorial.

I have a particular bad memory from when I was in Florida. My dad had gone to see his former boss Lana, and my mom got upset with him. There was a huge fight and they were talking about getting separated. It's part of what caused me to live in the dorms for a semester but when they were fighting I retreated to my room and locked the door to get away from it. My dad started throwing a fit about that and he was trying to go all soft on me when he busted the lock, I then ended up threatening to break a lamp on his skull. Yeah, sometimes I really hated my father for the things he did, and it wasn't the first time I threatened violence against him.

Anyway that's all I have time to post for now, I'll try to do that research and hopefully I'll come up with something substantial, either way it's gonna get posted.

Quick Post.

I've finally completed the monumental task of clearing out my Hotmail email but I'm working on a few of my gmail accounts, and I'm working on the one from college. I was looking for a link to a book that was recommended in my systems analyst class called "The Mythical Man Month", I hadn't gotten the chance to read it. However to my dismay when I DID find the link, I no longer had access to it. Guess that email's going in the trash then, would've been nice to finally read it. I guess that should be a lesson, don't procrastinate.

Other than that, I slept for I think 12 hours today... 12... I had a hard time getting myself out of bed this morning and my face itches like Hell from the facial hair. I need to shave. Maybe I should go to bed early today and take a shower tomorrow. This is why I can't grow facial hair. Well, as I was tossing and turning in bed, I could picture my cat looking at me wagging her tail. I really love that cat. It's tough for her to sleep with me on the bed because I'm always tossing and turning so she goes on the chair. One of the kids' old blankets is on it and she's really taking to it, I'm glad she likes it. Other than that, not much going on. Have to suffer through another day of work.

Apparently it's going to be difficult to do this on the daily...

I narrowly missed the chance to post this on the 23rd. I'll still try to make these entries a daily thing but I don't think I can count on it anymore. It would be difficult to find the time to do so anyway.

So when talking to my friend about moving in it looks like the date will be pushed back so I won't be moving in until around the beginning of next month. But I did get the chance to talk with him again. He seems to be doing well, we talked a bit about gaming and how long I may be staying. I mentioned I was trying to find new work since I'm unhappy with my job now. Retail is not for everyone, and I recommend it to no one. Big businesses are crooked and you see it moreso when you're on the inside. I don't want to be a part of that.

Other than that I feel like I may have been somewhat sleep deprived, I had to make sure my oldest niece was on her laptop for school. She's always been good about that, I almost think my mom should trust her, but she's still young. I guess she doesn't want to take that chance that she'll skip school if left unattended. Work has always been a bit unfair to my sister, she never gets the chance to make sure the kids are in school, too busy having to support the family financially.

Which leaves me with a thought. So, it's harder for anyone to make a decent living, and I've heard arguments to the effect that even if we did try to raise the minimum wage, it would also result in the price of goods going up, so if that IS true, then what's the best way of going about reducing poverty nationwide? I mean for Chrissake the term "working poor" is in our vocabulary and that should tell us that if we needed a work like that something's wrong with us. Perhaps this warrants some research. I haven't heard of a solid plan of reducing poverty in the US. It's something worth thinking about.

Well that's it for this post. I'm out of steam and don't really have much to contribute. Otherwise, it seems I've forgotten about some of the dreams I had. It wouldn't do me justice to talk about them here because talking about them wouldn't do them justice, plus it's not something I want public anyway...

I'll have to make this brief.

I'm not sure if this is because of the cold or whether it's my state of mind, or just the fact that I hate my job, either way I've been sleeping TOO much lately. The normal person is supposed to get around 8-10 hours of sleep each night per some research that was done a while back, but I've found myself sleeping for 11 hours. It seems to have gotten worse since I started writing this, it's like getting out of bed has become a chore.

I've also been grappling with some dark thoughts too since I came across some reminders of my conversations with Liz in my email. I think all the Pidgin logs were stored on my Gateway. It's tempting to take a look at them again but I feel like I would just be ruminating on a bad memory. I want to keep her memory alive but I think I run the risk of sabotaging my own self-worth in the process. It's complicated and frankly I don't want to talk about it but at the same time it's something I need to get off my chest. Yet, I have no one to share these thoughts with. Nobody would understand.

The Meaning of Dreams

Part of the reason I wanted to do this was as sort of a dream diary of sorts. There's certain dreams I'd rather not talk about here where others might see them, it's part of the reason I had wanted to get a journal with a lock for Christmas last year, something to record my dreams and perhaps understand what they might mean. But a while ago, I've had some vivid ones. In this entry of my journal I will describe one that I've kept thinking about.

I awakened in what appears to be a city. It is overcast and you can't see the sun through the clouds, but there is a faint light. Looking behind me I notice what looks like an underground passage, much like you would see for a Subway, but the entrance has a giant stone angel statue above it. She looks sullen. I presume that's how I made my way to this place. There's signs of life but the place is not lively, almost as if people go about their day with a sense of hopelessness, or perhaps they feel nothing at all. I walk into one of the buildings, the inside resembles a shopping mall, but the entrances to these places don't look like stores. I walk into one of them and I see what appears to be funerary urns. I don't know why but I attempt to steal one of them, I make a beeline for the entryway, urn in tow, but once I get to what appears to be the barrier...

... That's where the dream ends. What was this place, and what did it represent? What were the urns, and why did I want to steal it? How did I know I was even stealing it in the first place? If I wanted to just buy it I may as well have. What was the passageway with the angel statue? I'm no dream interpreter but there was something deeply disturbing about that one.

Another dream that I had was simpler but more poignant. I was walking up to a building that resembled a house that belonged to a friend of mine. It was brown, and there was a screen door leading into it. I remember the place being small. I open the screen door and walk in. The place looked like it had been burnt down, the walls and decor were pitch black, but there were some items on the table, which also looked like it had been burnt. Ashes danced around the air. I found a photo frame with what appeared to be a photo of Liz and Reade. I opened the desk to see what was inside, but I don't remember what I found there, or perhaps that's where I found the picture. I don't quite remember.

The final dream I wanted to talk about in this post is somewhat vague. All I remember was driving around in a car, and there was these dilapidated buildings. They were skyscrapers but somehow I figured they were meant for housing. Again, it was overcast. I remember seeing people standing outside of the buildings, they looked like they were homeless (imagine you would people with sackcloth, tattered jackets and hats, and the like). It looked like there were mattresses without beds, and people had lit fires in the trashcans in front of the buildings, gathering around them for what little warmth they could provide. I think I remember stopping and being approached by some people there, but before I got the chance to talk with them that's around the time I woke up.

I have more to write about but I'll save it for another post, I think I see myself running out of ideas.

Another Early Post.

And I'm running out of ideas of what to write about at this point. Well the move is either going to happen this weekend or next, not sure which. Otherwise nothing really notable is going on right now, everyone is stuck indoors due to COVID-19 (well, there's people that still go out but they put themselves at risk of getting infected). It's interesting to think that it only effects humans. I have a pet cat named Alice and when our family was sick with it, she seemed to be fine. I had done a small amount of research on it and animals are usually fine, it's us Humans that seem to be most susceptible to it. And we're here running around like a bunch of headless chickens trying to find a way to treat it.

And as I go to relieve my sinuses again while writing this, I can't help but think one thing. This is our Mother's way of saying she's had enough of us harming her. There's a lot we take for granted, and during the pandemic factories in certain countries had to shut down. The skies were never clearer, the air was never fresher... And there's never been a more poignant reminder that what we've been doing is wrong. Our way of life is unsustainable, yet as Texas faces a miniature ice age everyone had to revert to natural gas and oil to stay warm. We've become weak and reliant on technology. To think of us as being the top of the food chain, let alone for our intellect, is a big mistake. If evolution were allowed to take its course we'd have devoloped some resistance to this cold or heat by now, the genes that would give us those traits would be prevalent in the gene pool. If we TRULY tried to get rid of those modern comforts how many of us would truly survive? What possible answer do we have for this? Is Humanity truly a blemish on the face of the Earth?

If it's truly impossible for us to live harmoniously with nature, perhaps it's best if we went extinct, and perhaps this is how it will happen. Mother has spoken and this is her way of trying to get rid of us. And if we do somehow survive this, I sincerly hope the survivors will have more respect for Mother than most of us do. I had thought about working for the EPA at some point in my life, but how well do they really protect the environment? In what way could I best serve to heal our Mother? I think this is what I really want to do with my life. It may not be through the government but at least something to prevent man-made climate change and the polluting of our air, water, and land.

It's Midnight. Let this be the Feb 18th post then.

Last night was cold. The thermostat in this place is broken. I need to talk to my friend about my living arrangements ASAP so I know if I'm moving out this week or the next. but there was something I wanted to say while I could remember it. A couple things actually.

A friend of a friend reached out to me a while ago. I've been revisiting old posts from a friend (may as well say it that friend was Liz. I won't name the other friend for now, IDK if she would want me dropping her name...), and so I looked into her profile and noticed that there was something she had posted on Rememberance Day. It was made in honor of those who had been marginalized by the drug war, much like Liz was. IDK where I was at the time but I feel awful that I didn't make a contribution. Maybe I can this year? IDK if this is a yearly thing or not but if I get the chance to, I will. I should, for her sake, and the sake of her friends who are doing what they can to honor her memory.

Not long ago I watched an episode of the Simpsons called "Round Springfield", and that was pretty much the premise of the episode was keeping the memory of a loved one alive. To give a short synopsis, Bart gets hosptialized after swalling a jagged metal Krusty-O, during the Simpsons' trip to the hospital Lisa meets her hero, Bleeding Gums Murphy who is staying at the hospital. Well, after giving his life story and a heartfelt rendition of Carol King's "Jazzman", Lisa goes on to save a school performance from her music class. She goes back to see Bleeding Gums Murphy but he had already passed on quietly. Nobody really knew him that well but he had this album, Sax on the Beach. Lisa had tried to obtain a copy to give to a small radio station so that the residents of Springfield would know the legacy he left behind. During the B-Plot Bart gets a hefty sum of money and gives up something he wants from the Android's Dungeon for a copy of the album and gives it to Lisa so that she can donate it to the radio station. It's small and you wouldn't think it would reach very far but then by some miracle lighting strikes the station and all the residents of Springfield hears his music. Well, Murphy appears in the clouds one last time, and they play "Jazzman" from the top one more time before he says goodbye. It's one of the most heartfelt and beautiful farewells to an established character.

I can't stop thinking about that, and out of all the loved ones I had lost, Liz's passing hit me the hardest. I actually went off on people and may have alienated a few people I cared about... It was ugly. I've calmed down a lot since then but the wounds are still there. But I want to do my part to keep her memory alive, but some of her closest friends have been doing a better job than I have. It's given me pause to think that I should stop feeling sorry for myself and do something to honor her, maybe try finding ways to get involved in activism like she did. That was one of the biggest things I admired about her, she got involved with stuff like Food Not Bombs, and I even discovered Alternet.org thanks to her. I had heard of Adbusters in college and that's something I've talked about with her too, but maybe it's time to stop with the "what ifs" and actually do something. Let it be peaceful protests though, the insurrection led by Donald Trump was completely misguided. Like Hell he's not involved... But this is a tangent off the one talking points I wanted to get off my chest.

Well my earlier post I mentioned there's good and bad in all groups. I mean I could include users, activists, and a bunch of other groups in that category. I wanted to get involved with Occupy Wall Street back when that was a thing (funny I should mention this with the whole Wallstreet Bets thing going on now, these Hedge Fund billionaires are a bunch of asshats honestly), but I should make it a point to say that to marginalize a group of people by making them criminals is far worse.

I want to take a moment to bring up a situation that happened with a friend of my father's. I guess my dad shunned a friend of his for a while because he was using, IDR who it was but I think I remember him being a good man. Well gven what I know now I think he was an asshole for doing that. It's hard enough when these people may not have a support group, so I want people to think, REALLY think on this question... When someone who needs help is treated like a criminal, who do they have to turn to?

Posting this early, just had a thought.

With everything that's been going on in my life, I don't have much time to reflect on things. The little time I DO reflect on them I end up wasting on stupid games. I should never have to feel like I should be afraid to try a new game for the fear it could consume my life, but this is the kind of world we live in, where everyone's overconnected and we can't slow down. It's the new rat race.

I just want to take a moment to say this... Never make assumptions about people you don't know. There was this old woman in my Drawing II class that had this really clever way of putting it, too, "it makes an 'ass' of 'u' and 'me'." and she's right. A lot of the labels we put on people aren't earned, rather they're sweeping generalizations we make based on their life choices. At the end of the day we don't know what their circumstances are. In my line of work I have to deal with a lot of entitled people. "Karens" if you would. But even if they are, sometimes it's hard to be mad when corporations can't help them, you can't help but feel sorry for those types of people even when they start becoming abusive.

This comes at a time where I was revisitng memories of a long deceased friend, how she could have easily been branded a druggie, and while the sad truth is a lot of those types of people can fall into that stereotype, there's also several who don't, and in any case the whole drug war was founded on a mountain of lies. The truth must be known, but who would listen? People are convinced they're right and are unwilling to see both sides of the story, only the version they get fed back to them in their echo chamber, perhaps even their safe space. Those are the people that need a serious wake-up call. This doesn't apply to even just SJWs, but there's a lot of people that can't think for themselves, they just regurgitate the same drivel that gets spoonfed to them, whether it be from the news media or from superstitious groups. What we ought to do is open our eyes and our minds, really think critically about what we experience firsthand, and learn from it. Draw your own conclusions and don't let others tell you what you should believe.

That said... On the other side of that fence, there is a person who is manipulating my sister. He has cheated on her, stolen her money, and he's using his kids in his selfish game to get back into her life. He's also a user. Just remember that not all people who belong in a group are cut from the same cloth, there's good and bad in all groups. What matters more than anything is the contents of a person's character. That will be all for this post after the massive text dumps from the previous two.

Day 3 of this Journal/Diary/...Thing.

Well either people are viewing my blog, or the views I'm getting are just me checking my work. IDK, it's a bit unsettling, I had a feeling this wouldn't be completely private, but if it's gathering attention THIS fast, I'm genuinely impressed. Anyway, I'm having trouble thinking of what to write about so I may as well start with where I've been during the little less than 10 year gap between my last post. It's funny to think of how much has changed in 10 years, sites that used to look impressive (like this one, not that I'm any shining example) look... Well, dated. I've even been doing some HTML tags manually just so I don't get too rusty.

So that brings me to my first point. I finally went back to college and got a participation award degree in Computer Science. College is fucking expensive, thankfully my grades were good enough where I could get Pell Grants, so that's been my main way of paying for college. Due to some failed marks back in ECC, it took me a while to get my GPA back up. By the time I graduated, I managed to get it back up to a 3.5. I JUST missed the honor roll. I also had a friend that would've been on the honor roll but he said they could kick rocks. I also had another friend (I could still talk to her too) that fully embraced it. I see her post on my FB from time to time, it seems like she's doing well. In any case I'm qualified to say I know some of the basic principles of programming, but I strongly prefer working with C#, I hate to admit it but the .NET framework is pretty useful. I've had more success as a programming/engineering student than I did with liberal arts. Heck one of the courses I failed was Philosophy, who fails that? But that was probably Dr. Burke's fault, in hindsight he wasn't that great of a professor, but part of it was my own fault too. Philisophical reading is very obtuse to the uninitiated, and I didn't have the motiviation to produce a paper on Descarte. It just ended up being a blank sheet of paper with my name written on it. Ironic, but irony doesn't make the grade. I did however ace his college level Logic course and ended up being why I loved the works of Lewis Carol so much.

Well, at some point I would like to get my bachelor's but I'll be damned if I can afford it. My work DOES offer tuition assistance programs but the problem is residency. Back in Iowa most of the colleges were CHRISTIAN. NO THANK YOU! My choices would've been either NICC or University of Dubuque I think it was? IDR and I don't feel like looking it up right now. At least here I could POSSIBLY return to ECC? I still have an account there on their student portal so getting me back into the system wouldn't be a big deal. I just hope they have a bachelor's program for software engineering, that's what I'm trying to focus on these days. But I also entertained the thought of working for the EPA, I just wish I knew more about what they do. If I could get paid to protect the environment then that would be great because even though I'm okay with volunteering it doesn't pay the bills. Maybe volunteer AND work? Maybe I could learn some useful skills that way, but during a pandemic I'd rather not be out in public. It's safer in here in the crypt basement. I'll get my Vitamin D in pill form, thank you, please keep the sunlight away from me, it's too bright. And harsh.

Aside from that, I've met a lot of people online who I could call friends. I had my first taste of an MMO in the form of Shin Megami Tensei: Imagine, at the time colloquially known as "Megaten". I think this was where I was first exposed to cyberpunk before I even saw Blade Runner for the first time. For those unfamiliar it takes place in futuristic Tokyo, it has been demolished by nuclear warheads. Ruins of cities are what remain, if that, and demons walk freely on the Earth. The mainline games took heavy inspiration from a trilogy of novels made during the internet's infancy. Megaten in particular, IIRC, took place between the first and second installments. You are on a mission with a demon buster by the name of Kuroe. She's sort of like a tutorial character. Things quickly take a turn for the worse when one of the game's antagonists, Ogami, breaks into Second Home (think of it like a giant fallout shelter where the world's inhabitants can live safely... Yeah right, when is any place safe?) with a giant demon at her command. She turns the innocents (android-like beings who keep the place running) into these paper demons (not Shiki-Ouji, but the other ones, IDR their names off the top of my head...) and during the fight Kuroe is killed. Cut to Third Home and it's revealed you're saved by her demon, Cerberus. You are then given training by a figure known as Snakeman, which leads up to a plot unraveling somewhere in the largest city in this post-apocalyptic Tokyo, known as Shinjuku Babel, so named after the biblical tower in which God scattered the names of Humanity when they attempted to become close to him. That's a brief yet detailed synopsis, the international server got gypped because we never got to see the ending.

I was in a dark place in my mind when the game came out, and it did help me through some tough times, and I've made some lasting friendships along the way. I spent years playing that game, how many I don't exactly know, so I was of course saddened when shortly after being handed back to Atlus from AeriaGames, the servers shut down. I missed the big farewell party but I've seen videos and heard stories. The game had a dedicated community and they still keep it alive in the form of a private server. I guess catching that Phoenix really did work, but that's a load of superstition. "Phoenix will bring the game back from the brink of death!" PFFT, that had nothing to do with it, but I guess it gave me something to latch onto, I suppose.

So in conclusion online gaming and college were the major things that I've spent my time on during that time gap. I might've forgotten other things, too. I did work at a racetrack/ballroom for a while, but it was washing dishes. I had an awful habit of being squicky about that sorta thing so even though the manager paid me under the table, I had to move onto something else. It wouldn't have lasted long anyway, it was under new management not too long after and the place sucks now, it was better under old management. I think a lot of people would also be inclined to agree to that, too. Hopefully the next entry will be more substantial and less filler, I guess I just spent the time writing about nothing in particular. Seinfeld, eat your heart out.

Message in a mail server.

Day 2 of cleaning out my emails. I've stumbled upon messages from friends of friends. Not going to name names, but messages of support, especially after we've all been grieving over the loss of a friend. Some closer than others. Though I could say I cared about her, I don't think I was as close as other friends. One in particular struck me, saying that I should try living without much to my name. I'm wondering if I should have now. Yesterday I mentioned the separation... Has anyone had a parent that was so overbearing that they practically dictated everything you do?

I've had time to think about it. I didn't like living an Iowa but a friend of my sister's said I could find happiness wherever I go. And I probably could have. It's become apparent to me that what soured me on the idea of living in Iowa was not being away from everything I was familiar with. It was the fact that I had no say in the matte. Iowa is a beautiful place with rolling hills and vast meadows, but for me it felt like a prison. I wasn't there by my own choosing. I may have pushed people away because I wanted to leave so badly. But now I'm "home"... And I think back, and wonder what I could've done differently. I clearly didn't handle the situation well and if I had everyone might've been better off for it. I chose instead to live for the past and not look into the future.

Now I'm 35 years old. And I've wasted what seems like 10 years of my life being unhappy because I felt like I had no control over my life. Still don't completely think I do. I'm going to be moving in with a friend. I'm hoping he can help me get away from the way of thinking my experience growing up has lead me into. I'm not the person I want to be and I'm painfully aware of it. I spent my life trying to be the teacher's pet, trying to work my way up the corporate ladder. And for what? I had a good thing and I took it for granted. Dammit this is going to turn into a long post... Enjoy the ride...

A long time ago I knew a woman named Ruth Smith. I remember her being a kind old lady, she ran a clock shop, and she had a few sons. Sadly most of them have died. One committed suicide, the other died in a boating accident, so I'm told. The one that's still alive is a friend of my father's, he was friends with their side of the family. I used to do weeding for her, and she would pay us too. It wasn't a corporate job, sure, but it was honest work. She'd always let us come in after working and we'd have beverages. One day however I was trying to get, you know, a job. I think I flat out told her that this wasn't "corporate" enough. If I had seen that younger version of me I ought to have smacked him for saying such a thing.

Sometime later, she offered to be sort of a grandmother figure. I felt personally insulted by that. See, I never knew my grandparents growing up. The only thing I have from them is a little stuffed Giraffe. I still have it to this day, might become something of a family heirloom at this point. The thing has a broken neck but I still love that thing. Well, not long after that I heard she had died, fallen down a flight of stairs. The woman insisted on living by herself, and I will respect that but she had nobody to look after her. (On a tangent, sadly that still remains true for a lot of elderly people. Please take care of your family if anyone is reading this.) I guess the moral of that story was that the grass is always greener on the other side. You don't know what you have until it's gone. I've only had one other opportunity to work under the table for someone, and as much as I liked getting paid for it, it wasn't the type of work I was happy with, but it was still better than most job's I've taken. I've moved on since then, but that's always been the type of work arrangement I've preferred, nothing tax deductable or anything, just working for someone and getting a check or something. Working for a major corporation is overrated and nobody in their right mind would aspire to do such a thing. All that makes you is a tool for someone else to use. You're better off working for a family owned business, maybe some mom & pop shop just around the corner, or working for someone who just has money and a problem. I've had that. I've lost it. Now I want it back. I didn't realize how good I had it.

I guess the other thing I wanted to say with this is don't look a gift horse in the mouth. The old woman was just trying to offer me comfort and I couldn't even be bothered to come to her funeral. I should have at least paid my respects. I don't even know where she's buried for chrissake and it would be the least I could do to offer her flowers at her headstone for all the things she had done for me growing up! Now that I think about it maybe I should look up how to say "sorry" in the language of flowers...

... I think I'm going to keep writing to this actually. I asked for a journal (I guess you'd call it a diary) with a lock on it to keep my most private thoughts, and while I won't write SOME of the stuff there that I would in there, at least it gives me an outlet for some of my private thoughts. I mean, who even visits Blogger anymore anyway? There's probably a handful of people who would even see this and even then I don't really care. I just need a space where I can be my true self, maybe navigate the treacherous maze that is my mind and find the truth about myself through it all. People are complicated and I'm no exception, sometimes I don't even understand myself, and that scares me.

Where do I begin...

It all started when I was cleaning my email tonight. I ran into some old posts and I thought about a certain someone who was dear to me. A lot has happened. I've found employment with a major corporation. My parents are separated. Not divorced, separated. There's a difference. My sister is being manipulated by some D-bag while she has an order of protection against him. And, I'm moving in with an old friend, someone I know and have trusted... And that I haven't always been fair to. I publish this in confidence hoping to keep my professional and personal life seperate, but I take a huge risk. See, these corporations can see a lot. Hear a lot. They may even see this and I could lose my job as I've come to be anti big business lately. Along the way I discovered the cyberpunk genre, and it speaks to a lot of deep rooted sentiments I've held, something that that "certain someone" awakened me to. I'll admit, I used to be flippant, maybe even ignorant, and half the time I had my foot in my mouth, but I've been exposed to a lot, and can understand a lot more than I did. But I'm still unaware of a lot, too, I'll admit it. That said, my closest friends know I'm open about not EXACTLY being an anarchist, but having viewpoints that align with it. Organized government more often than not is crooked. But, I texted that certain someone tonight, despite the fact that she's long gone... Told her I was watching that CHAZ, how I was interested in what a self-governing society would be like, only for it to fall to ID-Politics. Even if we could somehow liberate ourselves from oppressive forms of government and beauracracy, humanity by and large is ignorant, they find something different about you and will not embrace it, but use it to divide people into groups and segregate one-another. And if that wasn't enough, somehow the largest corporations had survived the economic crisis that COVID-19 bought about. It's given me the impression that they're too big to fail, if money truly does rule the world. All of which has made me feel hopeless tonight. The one person who could have freed me from this way of life is gone. I am trapped in a system which everyone is convinced is just the way things are. But through knowing that "certain someone" I have become an athiest. I have embraced anarchy, but do not believe people to be enlightened enough to rule themselves and be fully autonomous. It's given me time to reflect on the state of things, but most of all, I've come out the other side a changed person. An angrier, deeply hurt person.