I Hate My Life.

There has been some seriously deep s*** going down. Long story short, I'm worried that a friend of mine and someone I have a crush on may be dead. Here's what happened; Liz got evicted from her apartment because she couldn't get enough money to pay her rent, and she had to stay with her parents, but they were making her feel like shit. So, she wanted to get out of the house, and unfortunately I'm all the way out of state, so it was impossible for me to come down and visit because I can't drive the car out of state due to some legal bull s***. So, she ended up visiting with her friend Danny, and they took her brother's car. Well, the car had a front tire blowout and swerved into a divider. Fortunately Liz and Danny were safe, but unfortunately Liz had to deal with her brother's car getting totaled, and Liz was starting to talk about suicide. Here's how the conversation went;

(6:13:55 AM) spitinacopsface: dan.
(6:14:01 AM) Sigma386: Hi.
(6:14:04 AM) Sigma386: Good morning.
(6:14:06 AM) spitinacopsface: I love you.
(6:14:43 AM) spitinacopsface: Soon to be the best morning of my life, or the worst, depeding on how bad of a failure I really am.
(6:15:13 AM) Sigma386: Why is that?
(6:15:33 AM) Sigma386: What's going to happen?
(6:17:21 AM) Sigma386: ... Why do I have a bad feeling about this?
(6:17:49 AM) Sigma386: ... Those aren't your last words, are they?
(6:17:58 AM) Sigma386: ...
(6:18:02 AM) Sigma386: I'm worried...
(6:19:22 AM) spitinacopsface: Well you're right to be.
(6:19:29 AM) spitinacopsface: And I am sorry.
(6:19:57 AM) Sigma386: Couldn't we just run away?
(6:20:11 AM) Sigma386: I said I would go with you.
(6:20:17 AM) Sigma386: And I will.
(6:24:02 AM) spitinacopsface: no time
(6:24:17 AM) spitinacopsface: I just stole my brother's car and crashed it.
(6:24:35 AM) Sigma386: How?
(6:24:39 AM) Sigma386: What happened?
(6:29:25 AM) spitinacopsface: danny
(6:29:35 AM) spitinacopsface: ask him
(6:29:44 AM) spitinacopsface: dan miller on my facebook friends
(6:33:07 AM) Sigma386: I wrote him a message asking what the story behind that accident was.
(6:45:07 AM) Sigma386: By the way, I was a bit shocked when you told me you love me...
(6:45:13 AM) Sigma386: ... But, I love you, too.
(6:46:22 AM) Sigma386: In a romantic way.
(6:46:39 AM) Sigma386: And as a friend.
(6:46:48 AM) Sigma386: Especially as a friend.
(6:47:10 AM) Sigma386: Because you can't have love without friendship.
(6:48:01 AM) Sigma386: And I'm pretty sure that's what you meant when you said you love me, that you love me as a friend.
(6:48:10 AM) Sigma386: As a person.
(6:48:48 AM) Sigma386: If only I could hold you in my arms in your time of need.
(6:49:09 AM) Sigma386: I swear, this is something out of a tragedy...
(6:50:45 AM) spitinacopsface: he's on AIM now
(6:50:51 AM) spitinacopsface: andi told jake to talk to you
(6:53:45 AM) Sigma386: ... Neither one started talking to me so far.
(6:54:17 AM) spitinacopsface: yes a friend. I wish I couldlove you the wayyou loveme, youeserve it but I don'tand ihave reade, but it isn't easyfor me to fall in love. andyou don't o dope.
(6:54:24 AM) spitinacopsface: we couldnever bea couple
(6:54:33 AM) spitinacopsface: but thank you for loving me
(6:57:15 AM) Sigma386: I'm more worried about our taste in sex. You like it aggressive, and I'm not the same way...
(6:57:36 AM) Sigma386: ... So, yeah... I don't even think we're sexually compatible to be a couple...
(6:59:00 AM) Sigma386: ... And, well, like you said, I'm a virgin. I've only read books about sex, and I've never tried anything, so I probably wouldn't be able to please you.
(7:00:11 AM) Sigma386: Although, I know dope is a big turn-on for you.
(7:01:32 AM) Sigma386: You've said so before in your Livejournal. You said that just seeing someone shoot up nearly brings you to orgasm.
(7:02:32 AM) Sigma386: But, I don't think it's impossible for someone who does do dope and someone who doesn't do dope to be a couple...
(7:06:29 AM) spitinacopsface: it doesn't matter.
(7:06:41 AM) spitinacopsface: sorry I could never love you how you love me.
(7:06:45 AM) spitinacopsface: sorry I took your money.
(7:06:50 AM) spitinacopsface: sorry I am leaving you.
(7:07:47 AM) Sigma386: Well, I was hoping it would save you from getting evicted.
(7:08:08 AM) Sigma386: But that didn't even work...
(7:08:16 AM) Sigma386: And now it's come to this...
(7:09:49 AM) Sigma386: It's times like this I wish I could alter the past.
(7:10:14 AM) Sigma386: Then maybe I could have made things better.
(7:11:10 AM) Sigma386: And maybe you wouldn't be miserable.
(7:11:14 AM) Sigma386: Like you are.
(7:12:03 AM) Sigma386: I would have saved that money that I made at Goodwill and I would have been able to get a place of my own 5-6 years ago, and I wouldn't have been dragged out here and forced to see you kill yourself.
(7:12:30 AM) Sigma386: And things would have been better.
(7:12:53 AM) Sigma386: Spending all that money on video games was a big mistake.
(7:13:05 AM) Sigma386: I could have saved your life with all that money...
(7:14:53 AM) Sigma386: I have so many regrets. I made so many foolish mistakes in my life.
(7:17:19 AM) Sigma386: My life will never be the same after this, I'm probably going to hate everyone I know for not helping me.
(7:17:31 AM) Sigma386: I'm going to blame them for your death.
(7:18:07 AM) Sigma386: They could have helped me save you, but their lack of understanding and thoughtfulness was only an obstacle.
(7:18:16 AM) Sigma386: All they're good for is getting in my way!
(7:18:38 AM) spitinacopsface: you are notcapable of alleviating mymiesry
(7:18:59 AM) spitinacopsface: and it is MY fault I got evicted not youra
(7:19:06 AM) spitinacopsface: I am adopefiend
(7:19:50 AM) spitinacopsface: all of thisis myfault
(7:19:54 AM) spitinacopsface: notyoyers
(7:20:00 AM) spitinacopsface: notmy parents
(7:20:05 AM) spitinacopsface: notthe cops
(7:20:06 AM) spitinacopsface: mine
(7:22:53 AM) Sigma386: But, what could you have done to change things, to make them better?
(7:23:38 AM) Sigma386: I don't blame you for anything that has happened.
(7:23:46 AM) Sigma386: Maybe I'm crazy...
(7:24:02 AM) Sigma386: ... But, there's so much wrong with the world.
(7:24:19 AM) Sigma386: And, you're a far better person that most people will ever be.
(7:24:29 AM) Sigma386: I've never seen you sell yourself short.
(7:24:58 AM) Sigma386: You're the most authentic person I know.
(7:25:33 AM) Sigma386: The world would be losing a great person if you died.
(7:26:17 AM) Sigma386: I mean, sure, you're into heroin, but it's the government's fault that it's illegal.
(7:26:24 AM) Sigma386: You didn't want it to be illegal.
(7:26:28 AM) Sigma386: A lot of people don't.
(7:26:48 AM) Sigma386: But a lot more people do, and for bad reasons.
(7:27:19 AM) Sigma386: But they're just being ignorant.
(7:28:48 AM) Sigma386: And I think it's so ingrained in their psyche that they if they heard the truth, they wouldn't accept it.

She logged off after that for a while. She told me she had a court date that morning so I'm assuming that's why she had to go, but what unsettled me was her status message read "dead" when I last saw her. She did eventually log back on though, and I tried talking to her then.

(9:19:59 AM) Sigma386: You're back.
(9:21:54 AM) Sigma386: Neither Jake nor Danny got back to me
(9:23:19 AM) Sigma386: I don't know why
(9:25:27 AM) Sigma386: It's awfully rude of them not to talk to me.

She never replied. Instead, she went idle for an hour before signing off again. I jumped the gun a bit. Danny DID get back to me and he has been helping me trying to find out what happened to Liz, so I probably shouldn't have said he was rude. He was probably just away from his PC. But yeah, that's what happened. She vanished. It's been over a week since anyone last saw her, and this is why I'm so depressed right now. I think I may actually need her to function in life, because she's the whole reason I didn't want to move to Iowa in the first place.

I've had this crush on her ever since I met her in Drawing II class, and I've been trying to fulfill this crush for 5 years now. But, before I met her again thanks to Facebook, I was having trouble trying to find her. All I had to go by was her first name, her sun sign, and a college she previously attended. I didn't think to look in Facebook, though, only Myspace. But, when I looked on Facebook, I instantly found her and sent her a message saying I was an old classmate who wanted to be friends with her. That's how we finally got to know each other. We had been planning to move in with each other, because we needed each other. She needed someone who would help her raise the roof of her apartment, and I needed someone I could become intimate with. I also needed a way to get out of my parents' basement and get back home, since I was so hung up on that, too. But every time I made plans to move in with her and find a job, the people closest to me had an objection, and because of that it always seemed to fall through, save for one time, and we only had time to go out to eat. The rest of the day consisted of trying to help her rent a car so she could visit Reade, who was in jail at the time. But unfortunately, my friend Chris thinks she was using him for a ride. But every time afterwards, all my plans to see her in person ended in failure. And she needed me since Reade bit the bullet for her, and they got separated because of the justice system. When that happened, she felt depressed. It was hard for her to get by because without him living with her, she had no one. I was separated from her by distance, and Danny did try to comfort her, but to no avail. She missed Reade so much and wanted him back. I think that was also part of what drove her over the edge. Between that and having to go back to living with your parents, it must have been tough for her. And now she's gone, and I'm miserable because of it. The only thing that would possibly cheer me up is if she turned up online again, or gave me some sign that she was alive. Then I would at least have some hope of getting reunited with her. The only thing that's keeping me alive is the possibility that instead of killing herself, she ran out of state to somewhere safe, and that maybe I could follow her there, and that maybe I would be able to help her back on her feet after all that's happened. She's the most brilliant person I know, she deserves better than what she gets.

But that's only scratching the surface. As if life was playing some sort of sick joke on me, people have been popping up on MSN sending me some suspicious link and generally just acting suspicious. The first time it was someone pretending to be some Chinese girl, the next it was pretending to be some girl named Rose. But, normally, whenever someone types something, I will see something on the bottom of Pidgin that says "(username) is typing..." I'm almost certain it's a bot typing out these messages, pretending to be human and just trying to promote this link. The address is im.live.cn/safe. I'm not sure what it is, but I know better than to open a link I've never seen. It could be a virus for all anyone knows. And when I did a Google search on it, it gave me back a lot of pages, many in Chinese, some mentioning a Kingsoft. I'll have to look that up, too, but this has gone to far. All I'll say now is that if there is a God, if she lets anything bad happen to Liz I will never forgive him. I've toiled too much for her sake for it all to just get blown to bits like this! She's the only reason I even got a job with the newspaper or Census Bureau, I did all that for her sake!