As I lay me down to sleep tonight...

... I had stumbled upon the last conversation I ever had with Liz. And man was I pathetic. I was still really crushing on her hard even though I knew she had a boyfriend at the time, someone who was arguably much better for her than I was. Well, I did get back in touch with Danny at the time, I still have him on my FB friends if I ever wanted to talk to him again. But, I've been so upset at myself over what happened, even though, as hard as it is for me to admit, it wasn't my fault. Yes, I didn't help matters any by trying to help her, in fact my worst fear is that I enabled her in the worst way possible, but I can't let myself think that it would cause her to do this. All she did was apologize to me and she had started saying she was a dope fiend. I thought her whole thing was about disproving that negative stereotype about users. But I also remember clinging onto false hope that she would miraculously be alright in the end.

A number of things happened since then that I don't remember if I talked about or not. For one thing I tried to sneak out of the house and run away, even going so far as to hitchhike. I couldn't legally drive a car and I got a bit further than one of the bridges in Dubuque. I was pulled over by some cops though, and they asked me some questions. I legit didn't know that hitchhiking was illegal. What harm does that really do to anybody anyhow? I hoofed it a lot of the way though, so my leg was sore as Hell, and when I caved in and called my mom for a ride home she was upset. Not even yelling just trying to find the upside to the situation but you could hear it in her voice she was mad.

Some time passed, IDK how long but Danny finally did call me. This was in an earlier entry. I don't remember much of the conversation but I remember asking where he had last seen her, and I think he said that he dropped her off at home. I also talked to her mom Mary. I was afraid of the police getting involved because she had a criminal record and I was worried that instead of trying to help her they would try to incarcerate her. This is precisely the problem I have with drug use being a felony though, when these people can't even rely on the police for help, who do these people have to turn to? If people really have a problem with drug use, I've always felt like rehabilitation over incarceration was a better approach. Or was there a better way? In any case the war on drugs should end, and I'm going to cite the prohibition as a good reason why. If you try to control a substance, people will find a way to get it whether we like it or not, so why not allow them to get this legally rather than illegally? And I think Liz made a good point about there being no competition, so the ones who DO use pay more for it. Ending the drug war can solve a lot of the problems with drug use. Substance control is a stupid idea if you really think about it.

The government has a lot of other problems though, guess we should tackle it one step at a time. If we're not ready for Anarchy than maybe Minimalism is the next best thing (by which I mean few governing laws and they're only laws most people morally wouldn't break anyway), at least until people are smart and more well informed than they are now. Perhaps our whole culture has to change for that to happen.

Before I go to sleep what I found interesting was that Danny had the same name as a kid that used to live down the street from me. I used to live at 724 Oak Street in Geneva, but the place belongs to someone else now. This kid lived further up Simpson I think it was, it's been a while but the interaction between Oak St. and Simpson Ave was kinda weird. But the kid I remember from my childhood would always come to our house and he'd always ask for food, I remember that much. But apparently when I asked him if he was the same Danny, he said he wasn't, so I guess whoever that guy was is elsewhere. Where exactly, IDK. But just a lot of these negative thoughts I've been having were something I needed to air out. I just wish I knew more about what was going on because even some of the stuff I was saying at the time bothers me. I couldn't even imagine what misery she was going through that she'd think that ending her life would be the best day of her life. In a way I'm thankfully some of those people didn't end up on my shit list, but it's given me a lot to think about. All I can do is try to right what is wrong with society today. IDK if I'll be successful but I have to try.

The Importance of Privacy

One of the things that always bothered me was when my parents would come into my room unannounced. There's times when I've given them permission to come in but at times they would just come in uninvited. My dad was the worst about this too, in fact he'd always have a fit if I locked the door. Honestly I think that could lead to some mental health issues, I think I should do some research on it. I've been watching some psychology videos about different things but I really feel like doing this could help me understand some of my issues, especially when it comes to trust or with me being extremely territorial.

I have a particular bad memory from when I was in Florida. My dad had gone to see his former boss Lana, and my mom got upset with him. There was a huge fight and they were talking about getting separated. It's part of what caused me to live in the dorms for a semester but when they were fighting I retreated to my room and locked the door to get away from it. My dad started throwing a fit about that and he was trying to go all soft on me when he busted the lock, I then ended up threatening to break a lamp on his skull. Yeah, sometimes I really hated my father for the things he did, and it wasn't the first time I threatened violence against him.

Anyway that's all I have time to post for now, I'll try to do that research and hopefully I'll come up with something substantial, either way it's gonna get posted.

Quick Post.

I've finally completed the monumental task of clearing out my Hotmail email but I'm working on a few of my gmail accounts, and I'm working on the one from college. I was looking for a link to a book that was recommended in my systems analyst class called "The Mythical Man Month", I hadn't gotten the chance to read it. However to my dismay when I DID find the link, I no longer had access to it. Guess that email's going in the trash then, would've been nice to finally read it. I guess that should be a lesson, don't procrastinate.

Other than that, I slept for I think 12 hours today... 12... I had a hard time getting myself out of bed this morning and my face itches like Hell from the facial hair. I need to shave. Maybe I should go to bed early today and take a shower tomorrow. This is why I can't grow facial hair. Well, as I was tossing and turning in bed, I could picture my cat looking at me wagging her tail. I really love that cat. It's tough for her to sleep with me on the bed because I'm always tossing and turning so she goes on the chair. One of the kids' old blankets is on it and she's really taking to it, I'm glad she likes it. Other than that, not much going on. Have to suffer through another day of work.

Apparently it's going to be difficult to do this on the daily...

I narrowly missed the chance to post this on the 23rd. I'll still try to make these entries a daily thing but I don't think I can count on it anymore. It would be difficult to find the time to do so anyway.

So when talking to my friend about moving in it looks like the date will be pushed back so I won't be moving in until around the beginning of next month. But I did get the chance to talk with him again. He seems to be doing well, we talked a bit about gaming and how long I may be staying. I mentioned I was trying to find new work since I'm unhappy with my job now. Retail is not for everyone, and I recommend it to no one. Big businesses are crooked and you see it moreso when you're on the inside. I don't want to be a part of that.

Other than that I feel like I may have been somewhat sleep deprived, I had to make sure my oldest niece was on her laptop for school. She's always been good about that, I almost think my mom should trust her, but she's still young. I guess she doesn't want to take that chance that she'll skip school if left unattended. Work has always been a bit unfair to my sister, she never gets the chance to make sure the kids are in school, too busy having to support the family financially.

Which leaves me with a thought. So, it's harder for anyone to make a decent living, and I've heard arguments to the effect that even if we did try to raise the minimum wage, it would also result in the price of goods going up, so if that IS true, then what's the best way of going about reducing poverty nationwide? I mean for Chrissake the term "working poor" is in our vocabulary and that should tell us that if we needed a work like that something's wrong with us. Perhaps this warrants some research. I haven't heard of a solid plan of reducing poverty in the US. It's something worth thinking about.

Well that's it for this post. I'm out of steam and don't really have much to contribute. Otherwise, it seems I've forgotten about some of the dreams I had. It wouldn't do me justice to talk about them here because talking about them wouldn't do them justice, plus it's not something I want public anyway...

I'll have to make this brief.

I'm not sure if this is because of the cold or whether it's my state of mind, or just the fact that I hate my job, either way I've been sleeping TOO much lately. The normal person is supposed to get around 8-10 hours of sleep each night per some research that was done a while back, but I've found myself sleeping for 11 hours. It seems to have gotten worse since I started writing this, it's like getting out of bed has become a chore.

I've also been grappling with some dark thoughts too since I came across some reminders of my conversations with Liz in my email. I think all the Pidgin logs were stored on my Gateway. It's tempting to take a look at them again but I feel like I would just be ruminating on a bad memory. I want to keep her memory alive but I think I run the risk of sabotaging my own self-worth in the process. It's complicated and frankly I don't want to talk about it but at the same time it's something I need to get off my chest. Yet, I have no one to share these thoughts with. Nobody would understand.

The Meaning of Dreams

Part of the reason I wanted to do this was as sort of a dream diary of sorts. There's certain dreams I'd rather not talk about here where others might see them, it's part of the reason I had wanted to get a journal with a lock for Christmas last year, something to record my dreams and perhaps understand what they might mean. But a while ago, I've had some vivid ones. In this entry of my journal I will describe one that I've kept thinking about.

I awakened in what appears to be a city. It is overcast and you can't see the sun through the clouds, but there is a faint light. Looking behind me I notice what looks like an underground passage, much like you would see for a Subway, but the entrance has a giant stone angel statue above it. She looks sullen. I presume that's how I made my way to this place. There's signs of life but the place is not lively, almost as if people go about their day with a sense of hopelessness, or perhaps they feel nothing at all. I walk into one of the buildings, the inside resembles a shopping mall, but the entrances to these places don't look like stores. I walk into one of them and I see what appears to be funerary urns. I don't know why but I attempt to steal one of them, I make a beeline for the entryway, urn in tow, but once I get to what appears to be the barrier...

... That's where the dream ends. What was this place, and what did it represent? What were the urns, and why did I want to steal it? How did I know I was even stealing it in the first place? If I wanted to just buy it I may as well have. What was the passageway with the angel statue? I'm no dream interpreter but there was something deeply disturbing about that one.

Another dream that I had was simpler but more poignant. I was walking up to a building that resembled a house that belonged to a friend of mine. It was brown, and there was a screen door leading into it. I remember the place being small. I open the screen door and walk in. The place looked like it had been burnt down, the walls and decor were pitch black, but there were some items on the table, which also looked like it had been burnt. Ashes danced around the air. I found a photo frame with what appeared to be a photo of Liz and Reade. I opened the desk to see what was inside, but I don't remember what I found there, or perhaps that's where I found the picture. I don't quite remember.

The final dream I wanted to talk about in this post is somewhat vague. All I remember was driving around in a car, and there was these dilapidated buildings. They were skyscrapers but somehow I figured they were meant for housing. Again, it was overcast. I remember seeing people standing outside of the buildings, they looked like they were homeless (imagine you would people with sackcloth, tattered jackets and hats, and the like). It looked like there were mattresses without beds, and people had lit fires in the trashcans in front of the buildings, gathering around them for what little warmth they could provide. I think I remember stopping and being approached by some people there, but before I got the chance to talk with them that's around the time I woke up.

I have more to write about but I'll save it for another post, I think I see myself running out of ideas.

Another Early Post.

And I'm running out of ideas of what to write about at this point. Well the move is either going to happen this weekend or next, not sure which. Otherwise nothing really notable is going on right now, everyone is stuck indoors due to COVID-19 (well, there's people that still go out but they put themselves at risk of getting infected). It's interesting to think that it only effects humans. I have a pet cat named Alice and when our family was sick with it, she seemed to be fine. I had done a small amount of research on it and animals are usually fine, it's us Humans that seem to be most susceptible to it. And we're here running around like a bunch of headless chickens trying to find a way to treat it.

And as I go to relieve my sinuses again while writing this, I can't help but think one thing. This is our Mother's way of saying she's had enough of us harming her. There's a lot we take for granted, and during the pandemic factories in certain countries had to shut down. The skies were never clearer, the air was never fresher... And there's never been a more poignant reminder that what we've been doing is wrong. Our way of life is unsustainable, yet as Texas faces a miniature ice age everyone had to revert to natural gas and oil to stay warm. We've become weak and reliant on technology. To think of us as being the top of the food chain, let alone for our intellect, is a big mistake. If evolution were allowed to take its course we'd have devoloped some resistance to this cold or heat by now, the genes that would give us those traits would be prevalent in the gene pool. If we TRULY tried to get rid of those modern comforts how many of us would truly survive? What possible answer do we have for this? Is Humanity truly a blemish on the face of the Earth?

If it's truly impossible for us to live harmoniously with nature, perhaps it's best if we went extinct, and perhaps this is how it will happen. Mother has spoken and this is her way of trying to get rid of us. And if we do somehow survive this, I sincerly hope the survivors will have more respect for Mother than most of us do. I had thought about working for the EPA at some point in my life, but how well do they really protect the environment? In what way could I best serve to heal our Mother? I think this is what I really want to do with my life. It may not be through the government but at least something to prevent man-made climate change and the polluting of our air, water, and land.